🗞️ SEICHI GAZETTE: “ZAKKU’S CAKE CRISIS – A THONG, A THIRST, AND A TAVERN IN FLAMES”

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Let’s not pretend we’re better than this.
Let’s not pretend we didn’t all zoom.
Because on June 15th, the world ended—and the new god had thighs.

ZakkuTensai—Wind Reaver, Jonin of Current, and now officially Seichi’s Most Wanted Snack—logged in with an avatar so visually aggressive it melted several chakra seals on sight. We’re talking about cheeks so divinely sculpted they caused actual diplomatic fallout, a sugar spiral, and three unsolicited bite threats.

The outfit? Somewhere between "Olympic diving scandal" and "forbidden jutsu of seduction." Turquoise. Tight. Unforgivable.

“Terrbot’s gonna flag your avatar,”

whispered Abby, first responder and tabloid oracle.

To which Zakku replied, cheeks out, ego in full overdrive:

“It can try. But these cheeks are universally loved.”

And he was RIGHT.
Because what followed was a social implosion.
Snowent, the literal Kage of Current, declared Zakku’s assets a war crime.
Yuki tried to bite him. Twice. Maybe three times. We stopped counting.
MoonCrystal, ever the vibe-sniper, said:

“No.”
Cold. Iconic. Brutal.
Zakku, recovering from the hit like a true tavern tank, responded with:
“You’re just a universal hater.”
Moon: “Ur mom.”
Zakku, dropping lore nobody asked for:
“She is too.”
We’re still unpacking that. And we’re scared.

Somewhere in this digital orgy of ego and pixelated gluteus, Vinny was summoned—the rogue avatar artist-slash-Abby’s husband-slash-former clown—because Zakku wants his butt immortalized in Vinny’s gallery of glory.

“Ask him, he loves to cook,” said Abby.
We don’t know if she meant art or ass, and frankly, we’re too far gone to ask.

Meanwhile, Reptar had an existential awakening.
He saw Yuki threaten to bite a man’s cheeks and quietly asked:

“I can say that?!”

We don’t know, Reptar. None of us know anymore. The rules are gone. Terrbot’s missing. Society collapsed sometime between "war crime" and "I'd bite those cheeks."

✨FINAL VERDICT:

  • ZakkuTensai didn’t just break the internet. He moonlight cannonballed it in a thong.

  • His cheeks are now under Global ANBU observation and possibly required to register as living weapons.

  • Yuki needs supervision. And a leash.

  • MoonCrystal is the last pillar of morality, and we hate that she’s right.

  • And Vinny? If you’re reading this: start drawing. We want the Avy. We NEED the Avy.

Because in Seichi, power isn’t in chakra.

It’s in the cake.


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