📰 SEICHI TRIBUNE: BREAKING TEA EDITION “Terriator Ascends—Productivity Descends. Dusk Rises as Last Hope of the Realm.”

In a move that shocked absolutely no one yet ruined everyone’s day, Terriator, aka “the Konoki Grandpa,” has clawed his way back into power as Content Admin. Yes, that Terriator. The same relic from the ashes of Horizon who once ran a shadow village of elite snobs and who’s now apparently the human embodiment of “updates delayed due to existential crisis.”

According to our incredibly reliable sources (a Discord screenshot and someone’s dream), this promotion was triggered by a post that mysteriously vanished, causing a disturbance in the chakra network so severe that even Lady Tylenol allegedly threatened legal action should her name be spoken aloud. We are, of course, ignoring that and speaking her name anyway. This is journalism.

Concerned villagers now predict that updates, once delayed by weeks, will now take one to five business years. “We’re fucked,” said one Academy Student, 9 years old, already planning retirement. Another simply screamed “Kuso!” into the mist and vanished.

But amidst the descending darkness, one spark of hope shines brighter than a chakra flare in the Misty Morass: Dusk, glorious Dusk, has been promoted to Event Admin. A being of celebration, possibly born during a solar eclipse and raised by calendar spirits, Dusk has already promised events, chaos, and maybe even functioning content. Maybe.

The future of Seichi teeters on the edge, dear readers. On one side: bureaucratic doom wrapped in the comfy shawl of grandpa Terr. On the other: Dusk with a party hat and several gallons of glitter-based optimism. And somewhere, in the distance, Neon watches. Or doesn’t. We’re not sure. Maybe they’re a chakra projection. Maybe they’re the final boss. Either way, nothing gets fixed unless they will it.

Pray to Fujin, praise the Nya, hoard your jutsu scrolls, and as always, stay dramatic.

—Seichi Tribune Staff, now 97% sure we’re cursed.

SUPPORT US!

If you enjoy what we do, consider supporting us on Ko-fi! Every little bit means the world!